Not Again
by Tessie13
Summary: Slightly AU: Austin's afraid of loosing Ally to MUNY again after she comes home for winter break — AustinAlly. TrishDez.


_Not Again_

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"_i like to see people reunited, i like to see people run to each other, i like the kissing and the crying, i like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, i like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone."_

_- extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer_

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The morning Ally left for MYNU was horrible. There were last minute words and forever prolonged hugs and just so, so much emotion that Austin found himself absolutely positively sick to his stomach the minute she walked out of his view—more like out of his life—and around the corner, each step down the hall to the plane a step further away from himself. He had later made his settlement on the couch for the night with Trish and Dez's arms wrapped around his shoulders as he desperately fought back cries of agony and chocked down ice cream. He couldn't remember a time more painfully excruciating and terrifying as this, not even when he had caught nodules on his vocal chords and was being threatened with the fact that he might never be able to sing to again. Now when that memory comes up, all he can think of is that he would trade anything—even his angel voice that makes the girls swoon with its perfect pitch and all—to get one more night with his Ally, arguing loosely in the practice room over song lyrics or laughing hysterically on the futon in her bedroom as he spent the night.

Eventually, though, time marched on to the forever beating drum and summer rolled into school, school rolled onto busy weekends filled with skateboards and laughter, rakes and leaves, pumpkin picking and Halloween parties. He sort of did like the way his life kept him occupied, but then again there were days were he had wished he had the time to slump back down onto the couch and bury himself with grief as he thought of how she was no longer there to coordinate their costumes, carve the Jack‐o‐lanterns, and then the thoughts came of how he could miss a classic fall with her when they had never even spent one together before, not really. He missed her insane addiction to apple cider during this time of year, and how, when they first threw their backpacks across the practice room after a long day at school, she wasn't there to rave about the smell of crunching leaves under her boot clad feet on their walk over.

Trish stuck around to Dez and himself as if there was glue bonding them together, and he couldn't help but feel sympathy for her—she quite resembled a lost puppy, her owner long gone and moved on. He didn't exactly have the heart to tell her the three of them still being closer than close only reminded him of Ally, so he bore through it head on and managed to survive late night shifts working at the Sonic Boom, Friday night movie nights with a stop at a Dairy Queen afterwards—the only problem with that was, their Friday night tradition was originally created for only Austin and Ally as a night off from the constant song writing, and now they had nothing to be off from. He liked his job at the Boom, he truly did, but Lester knew that he only filled the available position because it would give him a sense of Ally, and that was the only thing he really craved at this point in time.

Jimmy Starr had seemed to go completely off the deep end, however, as he demanded that Austin come into the studio and sample new songs from new writers. Austin often lashed out or even felt tears prickling over the fact that none of them were even close to Ally's level, and eventually it got to the point of Austin wanting to give up on singing as a whole—because, what's the point anymore, if he was only in it nowadays so he could make music with Ally? Only then would he allow himself to think of all the wondrous friends Ally was making and how she was without a doubt moving on from the past, barreling towards her future music career at full speed, and only that would inspire him enough to restrain himself from shredding the blasted contract that banded him to Star Records.

The day Lester popped through the double glass doors with a sly smile slowly slithering its way up his face, a pristine white letter clutched tightly in his calloused hands as if it were a life line, Austin knew that there had been news from Ally.

"She's coming home for the Holidays in a week," he had said in a hushed whisper as Austin threw himself in his second father's arms, his throat suddenly tightening with impending tears, "she's coming home, Austin."

That gave him the first sound sleep in months, not a single nightmare making an appearance or early morning hours depriving him of achieving REM. Lester had hurriedly explained in an elated voice similar to that of a child's, that the Music University of New York was on college styled semesters, and she would be arriving back in Miami the night before Thanksgiving and leaving two days after New Year's. His mother said her break resembled that of an eternity, but he only saw it as his prison sentence to the past, drowning him with a short five week period of bliss. He didn't care though, of course, as even if time with her meant hurt later it would be incredibly worth it.

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"I can't go, Austin. I just can't do it," she cried into his sweater clad chest, her velvet voice muffled with moans.

"But you have to, Ally. I'll be here waiting during till the spring, and then again for the summer. I'm not going anywhere, Ally," he responded as he kissed the top of her head, feeling his eyes glaze over with the tears he had been careful to conceal—until now, of course.

He had never been more right in his life than over the fact the second time she left was even harder than the first. Lester had assumed it would be easier, but to Austin it only reminded him that he couldn't share a locker with her as they had planned over summer, he couldn't convince her to join a sports team, he couldn't so much as say hello to her as they met on the corner of the street they always did before walking to school together. The past month had been a slice of heaven in his life that was appearing to start being a living hell, with her chocolate locks longer and curlier as they framed her face that had stains of pink from the frost biting air.

He still remembers the pride he felt swelling in his heart as she trudged out of the airport on the muggy November night, her deep scowl wiped clean of her face as she locked eyes with him the second she looked up from her lone suitcase, despite the fact he was across the parking lot, lost in a sea of people. She had shoved all her luggage back into her dad's hands, running with all the speed she could muster at him. He did the same, hugging the daylights out of her once they finally connected. They laughed and even cried a bit, her questioning about his slightly longer hair and his school work while he apologized that Trish and Dez had gone home to sleep, complaining about the hour of the morning. He didn't bother going to his actual home for the next three days, and her eyes filled with gleam as she took in the fact that over all the months, he didn't bother taking home the clothing he leaves in the closet of the guest bedroom. She woke him early to watch the Macy's day parade and they spent the rest of the day in the kitchen with her relatives, cooking or baking. They snuck outside a little before the meal was served and prance about in the yard, laughing and belting out improvised lyrics revolving around the topic of thanks. He kisses her, too, for three split seconds on the lips while they stand on the doorway debating whether or not to go back in—needless to say, she pulled him back before he could even get his hand around the door handle and kissed him back, and he was sure that he had been dreaming that she had ever left.

Next came her taking back her shifts at the store and Christmas shopping as if there was no tomorrow while he wasted away in school throughout the day. He was often greeted with a freshly baked good—he was astounded that she was suddenly not burning herself nor the food, and he began to think that he was right all along, about New York being so unbelievably good for her—and a peck on the cheek once he burst through the practice room door, and she pushed back the feelings of guilt that she had been neglecting Trish and Dez during her precious time back in Florida. He had convinced her, though, that they were probably off on another screaming match of a date and were happier this way; he explained to her with the barest of detail that their friends emotions were extremely unstable as it is and it would be dangerous to try and mix them in with her at the moment, because they weren't at the same point of coping with her new life as he was.

On the weekends they spent their time guzzling down gallons of hot chocolate after hours at the indoor ice skating rink, and he listened to her detailed stories of what snow was really like and what it was to go sledding every day after school.

"I mean, snow in November, Austin. New York is just too cold. But we go sledding on this hill at the very back of the school, and I swear, it's like flying when you put your face first and arms outstretched. You've gone before, right? I think I might try my luck at skiing next, but I'm afraid of falling and you won't be there to catch me, so."

They kiss a lot as well; in fact, sometimes that's all they'll do on boring afternoons. He's afraid of the aftermath and she's dreading the third of January—they both are, actually—but they hate the thought of stopping this, and whatever 'this' is they never ever bother to stop and give it a title, either.

She's different he decided the third week she was home. The way she dresses is different, the way she talks is different, the way she hugs is different, and the way she sings is most definitely different. Everything she does now has confidence laced in with it, as if she finally sees herself the way he does. He can't decipher if it's because they are sort‐of‐ more‐ than‐ friends‐ in‐ a‐ way now, or if its—again—due to New York. Never the less, he isn't about to complain that she actually projects her voice now or that she isn't afraid to not wear a shirt underneath a thin strapped floral dress. He's proud that she is growing up, but he isn't proud of himself how he is missing her do so. He even starts to wonder if he had been holding her back all this time, forcing her to push himself ahead while she just kind of stood in the same place, being content because she didn't know any other way.

The third week was also the week he was let out of school for Christmas break. He liked being woken up early to go grab a hot chocolate in the new coffee shop in the mall—Trish now starting her second day there as well—and then swinging their linked hands as walked her through the sidewalks of Miami, pausing to window shop here and there. He loved the worn out beanie she wore sloppily in her hair, the juvenile flowers covering every square inch of it. He loved the way she no longer froze in the thirty degree weather, claiming that it went below zero up north and this might as well be a summer day to her anymore. They went to the movies with Trish and Dez and even included Nelson on some of their chilly afternoon lunches at the beach. Still, he never felt like he was spending enough alone time with her—the third was just around the corner and he went dry mouthed just thinking about it.

Christmas Eve they had spent at his house, his rambunctious younger cousins wrecking havoc among the house hold as they joined the older group in board games and prayer. She ate all the food she could handle until she was sure her stomach couldn't hold anymore and they exchanged a small gift that was meant to go in their stockings. Austin had received a plastic candy cane stuffed with an assortment of candy from his parents, a keychain with his initials engraved from his aunt and uncle, a set of toy cars from his younger cousins, and an envelope filled with letters, torn out pages from her journal, and a small USB stick from Ally.

"What's all this?" he asked as he tilted his head up, eyes glowing with inquisitiveness in the candle light as the rest of the family migrated back into the kitchen.

She rolled her eyes slightly, tucking a wave of hazelnut hair behind her ear as she scooted closer to him. "It's all the letters I never had the guts to send you, all the love songs I never had the courage to tell you I wrote for you, and the USB is filled with all the covers I sang for you when I missed you in New York."

His heart stopped for a second before exploding, and the next thing he knew they were kissing again. Only this time, much like her, it was different. It had a sense of misery and missing in it along with a certain form of love in the early stages, and most of all it consisted of togetherness. They were there, missing each other yet with each other in every way possible.

He pulled back abruptly, eyes still closed as he whispered, "I have something to show you." He stood and pulled her up, keeping hold of one hand as he lead her up the stairs and into his bedroom. Not bothering to shut the actual door, he flew straight to his headboard and pointed a finger at the calendar with scribbles and tallies all over it.

"I tallied every day I thought of you. I thought it would be good to track if I ever started letting you go, but that never happened. There's a tally for every single day since you left, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be happy or sad or scared, but right now that's all I feel. And it's not that bad, actually, because I'm pretty sure that's what you're feeling, too."

He doesn't know why he's telling her this or why it even matters, but somehow along the way it became something to him, to her, to their story. He wonders what ever happened to his sense of dignity but he figures if it's with her, that's okay because she kind of sort of has his heart too, and he knows that they're in good hands. He really doesn't care if h turns into some emotional wreck of a boy who really resembles that of a girl more, because its Ally and Ally lets him be whoever he wants to without a bat of an eye—he's learned to live with the occasional roll of one, though. She's tangling her hands through his recently cut hair—only an inch or so; the exact amount he had allowed it to gain—as she moves his lips in sync with his, and just for awhile the forget that she's leaving in one short week and that he isn't going to see her again for a few months.

The next morning he is at her house bright and early with a cup of coffee for her father and a cup of hot chocolate for her—he figures that never gets old even though it really should, considering how much the drink it—and before he can blink she's elbow deep in wrapping paper with her father with a video camera inches away from her face. She's gifted with a laptop, new high heeled boots, a few new books, and an old metronome her grandma had apparently been given when she was Ally's age. It's not much, really, but she still has tears of joy in her eyes and she still hugs her father while 'thank you' erupts from her lips more than enough times. She opens Austin's monstrosity last and stops breathing when her eyes take in the sight of the lacey white scarf, a six pack of apple cider, magazines filled with creative baking lessons, and most importantly; the pearl pink Cameo broach that he must have dropped a fortune on. She's beaming as she looks up to him, and he loves that what she got him for Christmas was her smiling and sparkling eyes.

She points him to the rather large gift bag addressed to him as she gives him a slight kiss and a warm and meaningful thank you as she pins on the Cameo to her red Christmas nightgown. He unwrapped her gift to him in a hustle, and finds new Bruce Lee and Mick Jagger posters for his bedroom, a pair of new florescent colored sneakers, a tube of his absolute favorite hair gel, and receipt for what appears to be a popcorn machine much similar to the one her dad had rented for Owen last year. He looks up to her with a genuine grin with questioning eyebrows, and she answers with a toothy smile.

"The popcorn machine is in your bedroom. I didn't want you to have to drag it back to your house."

The rest of Christmas is dedicated to giving Trish her new Gucci purse and gift certificate to Bath & Body Works, Dez his bag—more like sack—of jelly beans and bagpipes, and then just lazily hanging about in the Dawson house at the piano. Austin's family comes over for dinner and after they all say grace, Austin purposes a toast for Ally and her good fortune in New York. That's when he gives her his last present; a silver band with intricate circles designed on it. He slides it onto her finger as he explains that it's a promise ring, only he's not exactly sure what he is promising to her because they've made a lot of promises to each other that never are fulfilled, like how Team Austin would stay together and that they would never be more than friends and that when she was in New York they wouldn't lose contact. She starts silently crying and doesn't take her eyes off what he hopes is her new favorite piece of jewelry, and the rest of the meal isn't eaten in silence thanks to Lester and his ability to be charismatic when needed.

New Years Eve is a big celebration party that takes place in the store, and Jimmy Starr organizes the whole thing with caterers and all. Ally wears a silky gold dress with silver accents and he can't get over how she's just so incredibly beautiful, and he doesn't regret for a second that he turned down the opportunity to play at Times Square that night because that would mean that he couldn't be there, dancing with his two best friends and the girl he promised everything too. He sings a few songs and watches Ally perform as well, and they do manage to get one duet in. They all count down as the ball drops on the television screen and Ally kisses him for the last minute of 2012 and the first minute of 2013, claiming that she wants to have an amazing end to the year they've had and a spectacular beginning to a year they are going to have. They dance and eat a lot and eventually sneak off with Trish and Dez to the practice room, so they can have Team Austin back for the night.

The next day Ally spends packing, and she rants on about how she have done this at night so she wouldn't have to waste her last full day in Miami hunched over a suitcase packing up her new life and leaving her old one strewn recklessly throughout the room. She sleeps soundly in his arms that night.

He cries the next morning. A lot.

She doesn't know how to say goodbye to something that she isn't really leaving.

They cry together.

He doesn't understand how a month and ten days can fly by so fast. He doesn't understand how she has managed to slip through his finger tips for a second time. He doesn't understand why he doesn't fight for her.

"You're going on tour soon," she replied as more tears clipped her words, pulling her head back from his chest but keeping her arms firmly wrapped around his neck.

"And you're coming with me," he responded as if it were a question, his shoulder slightly tilting up as his voice went up at the end of his sentence.

"I can't and you know that, Austin. You know I can't."

He suddenly feels like she's talking about more than just coming along on his tour.

A voice booms through the speaker telling her that he plane is about to leave without her.

She doesn't kiss him goodbye because she can't manage it.

She hands him back the promise ring before she bolts around the corner, taking steps closer to the plane and putting distance between them.

He sinks to the floor and cries as Lester and his actual parents sink down and embrace his frail form. All he can think about is how much he wants to get home and finally send in that application and finally audition live over the internet. Only he can't, because his life is here and hers is there, and both of them are making music which is what they've always wanted, and now they just have to learn that they shouldn't bother wanting to make it together anymore.

He still clicks send and still schedules a date for an audition anyway, because they only person that's ever really made him learn something is 1200 miles away and he really can't deal with another number, not really.

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a/n: hello again! sorry for the long wait, I can only blame it on lack of time, lack of inspiration, and lack of confidence in my writing.

i feel as if this is the most confusing piece I have ever written. Sorry. This is what happens whenI am sick and suddenly get a plot idea that takes four hours to write at eight in the morning.

WOAH! one more week till season two! And I'm pretty sure the promo comes out tomorrow :)'


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